No! Not that!
by xMadgirlx
Summary: Frank and James make a huge mistake, when they leave disaster strikes. The series of unfortunate events follows: back pains, crouchy wives, flea infested rats, scenes that are meant to be in different fics and puke soup!
1. Default Chapter

OK everyone this is how it goes, if you want me to update unfortunately I am not telepathic, (it's a shame isn't it,) so you're going to have to review, (yes, I know it's a pain and you could be reading another very good fic but it would _so so so so _much to me if you did).

Disclaimer: do I own HP? Hmm, I've never been asked that question before but this answer is: ARE YOU CRAZY?!! 

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**Chapter 1: Alice arrives!**

****

_Why on earth does she want this? _Thought James Potter as he started to make some coffee. He thought back to _WHY _he married Lily Potter, love of course, glorious love. Which he should be making instead of making her this crap coffee that tastes like rubber! So why wasn't he making love? BECAUSE SHE WAS NEARLY 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

The phone rang, James panicked, he had never been able to answer a phone before, Lily did all that. Nervously, James picked up the phone and muttered: "Hello?"

"Hi James!" answered a happy voice.

_How on earth can anyone be sound happy when it's 4 morning!!!!!!!!!!!!! _James thought, though the voice was rather familiar. "Hey…….?"

"Don't you recognize my voice? It's Frank Longbottom." He retorted.

James felt a wave of jealousy, Frank was married to Alice: Lily's best friend. Frank and Alice couldn't keep their hands off each other at school, so why on earth was he calling James for when he_ knew _what he was supposed to be doing? "Hey, Frank."

"Are you OK? You seem rather tired." Asked Frank sounding quite concerned.

"Oh, it's nothing, the wife's just driving me crazy." Answered James truthfully.

"Ugh, tell me about it, Alice is becoming unbearable in the bedroom department."

Suddenly something possessed James to say: "Why?"

Frank hesitated, "OK, do you really want to know? All right there's something……different about Alice."

"What?! You don't think she's gone other to Voldemort's side, has she? After all she _is _a pureblood." 

"No!" Frank boomed and finally he confessed, "Alice has just gained God knows how many pounds because she's PREGNANT!"

"Oh my God!" that definitely surprised James. "Lily's pregnant too!"

"Well, James, it'll be a hard road for you, first there's morning sickness: don't tell Alice I said this but I'm still afraid to go in there. Then there are the cravings, half the things she ate me feel sick, and there's the mood swings, back pains, cramps, its wonder she doesn't explode from all the pain she's having." James could easily relate to this. "And finally, there's the heat, trust this year to be the hottest summer ever!"

"Lily's actually 2 weeks off from being 9 months, sorry we didn't tell you sooner," James said. He yawned; the cup of coffee that Lily _somehow _helps her to sleep was getting cold. 

"Really? Alice is 3 weeks off from being 9 months." Retorted Frank, "Hey, I know, it sounds to me you haven't had decent night's sleep for ages so why don't you take a week off from looking after Lily and me and you go do some Order business and have a little fun at the same time."

James was too tired to argue, "Sure."

***

"YOU DID WHAT?!?" screeched Lily, "AND WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO? JUST SIT ON THE SOFA AND WAIT UNTIL YOU GET BACK?"

"Sounds good to me," retorted James.

"And what if something happens to me? What am I meant to do? Ask the cat whether it'll deliver my baby for me?" 

"Alice will be there, besides it's only for a week," assured James in calm manner.

Lily sounded as though she had never shouted at all, "Oh, and is Alice, has she lost any weight? Or is she gaining it like me because is also NEARLY 9 MONTHS PREGANT!!!!"

James swore that Lily's mouth doubled in size when she shouted, "I take it you knew?" He asked sheepishly.

"Aarrrgggghhhhhh!" She screamed. Then she stunned him.

***

Frank and Alice arrived. Frank was a tall thin, quite quiet man who looked a bit like James with very dark brown hair. Alice however, was a very small bubbly plump woman with a very happy round face and had black hair. 

"Hi!" screeched Alice giving Lily a massive bear hug, which was impossible to dodge. "Haven't seen you around lately."

Alice had only just come through the doorway when she gave Lily that hug. Alice was a lot different, her stomach of course was the obvious 1 but her usual straight black hair had gone wavy again, (she straightened it in the fifth year holidays). She looked a lot different dark green robes instead of the black ones at Hogwarts.  

"Nice to see you again," greeted Lily, returning the hug.

"Hey," said Frank casually and shook James's hand.

"Hey," James repeated. James didn't really have a friendship with friend with Frank because Frank was in the year above James at Hogwarts. Alice and Lily used to be in the same year as James. 

"Who is going to look after Alice and Lily?" asked Frank.

"Umm, about that," said James cringing.

"What is it? Please tell me you found someone." Begged Frank.

"Don't worry I found someone it's…….." James trailed off.

"It's who?" asked Frank, "c'mon the person can't be that bad as long as it isn't Severus or my mother Alice will be fine with it."

"It's not Alice who I'm worried about, it's Lily because she isn't too fond of the person that I asked." Explained James.

"So? Who is it?" urged Frank.

"It's smimus," James muttered.

"Eh? Speak up," commanded Frank.

"It's Sirius," James said more clearly but still quiet. Unfortunately it wasn't quiet enough.

"What?!" Lily screeched, stomping over to James. "Tell me your kidding! Tell me that this is a dream and that I'll wake up finding that you have just got me my coffee which by the way never got to me last night,"

"James, if you hate me just say so," said Alice in a state of panic.

"Look," said James, "Sirius will look after you 2, he doesn't bite."

"That's what you think!" said Lily. Everyone looked at her in horror, "Joke," she explained.

***

After a lot of begging from James, (Frank kept his fingers crossed that the girls bought it,) Lily and Alice finally agreed not to kill Sirius when he gets to Lily and James' house. "If he ever gets here," said Lily, "what time did you tell Sirius to get here by?"

"Umm, 7," replied James.

"And now its 7:05," snapped Lily.

"Lily, as much as it pains me to be on James' side of things, not everyone is as prompt as you," sort of defended Alice.

"That's only because you're always late for everything," retorted Lily.

"No, it's not," replied Alice in a babyish voice.

"Yes, it is," said Lily in an identical voice.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it~"

"Lily, Alice, shut up!" Frank commanded Lily and Alice glared at Frank in such a way it would make anyone to run away and cry. "Please?" he added quietly.

"Lily!" said Alice, "I have an idea." She whispered something in Lily's ear; James hoped it wasn't a plan for his funeral. 

"Yeah," said Lily nodding, "good idea."

Just then there was a knock on the door. Sirius burst open the door. "Hey, James. Lily you're looking…..well."

"And Sirius you're looking…….black." Lily retorted. It was true; Sirius had dust all over his robes and face.

"Yeah, uh, I had to use floo powder to my house and I guess I forgot to change," quickly explained Sirius. "And Alice, haven't seen you a while, what have you been up to?"

"Not much, thanks to Frank, he made me stay at home instead of helping the Order."

"You're pregnant for God's sake, you could get yourself and the baby hurt," protested Frank.

"Then why are you leaving me with Sirius? Sounds to me that you _want _a disaster to happen." Said Alice.

"Hey!" protested Sirius.

"Exactly," said Lily, "James, I understand you need to miss a couple of things but I don't want Sirius to be there instead of you."

"Lily," said James giving Lily a big hug, "I promise you that I'll be there in time for the baby being born, OK?"

"OK," Lily repeated.

"What about you, Frank?" asked Alice putting her hands to her hips, "I do _not want anyone else _taking me to St Mungo's."

"I'll try," said Frank.

"Good enough," replied Alice giving him a hug. (A/N: yes I do know there's a lot of hugging going on.)

"Well, now that Sirius is here we'd better get going," said Frank, letting go of Alice.

"OK," said Sirius, he was starting to get nervous; Lily and Alice were closing in on him. "J-James?" There was no answer. "James?" he repeated, Frank and James had already left him with these pregnant monsters. They were getting closer. "JAMES!"

***

Did you like? I hope so I rewrote it about 7 times.

Any suggestions? They will be most appreciated.

I would like to say that I don't have a beta reader, OK?

Flame if you must, a review is a review to me.

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	2. Sirius's surprise

Thank you so much for all you reviews you lot are setting a good example for the rest:

**EnchantedDreamer1: **I'mglad you though it was funny.

**Jaime L. Fratilla: **Sorry about all those mistakes! I'll try and fix it thanks for pointing it out! But if were pointing out the question marks and exclamation marks that were put at the same place, they were put on purpose to emphasize what the person was saying.

**Queen of sprinkels: **(Is that how it's supposed to be spelt or have I got it wrong?) My cliffies are evil aren't they? I hope you like the turnout! 

**Itnikki: **I'm really happy that you like my idea, there are a lot of: 'Sirius looks after Lily while she's pregnant' fics out there Ijust hope mine's different.

**Captain 'Phoenix' Aquamarine: **I did that to create suspense, but thanks for pointing that out!

**Chocolate Taco: **Mmm, chocolate. Thanks for reviewing! 

And finally, on with the fic!

Sirius's surprise 

Lily smirked, "Not so tough without James are you?"

Sirius stepped back into a wall. He knew he shouldn't be afraid so why was he? "You wouldn't hurt me now would you? After all I have to look after you we don't know what could happen in a week." He said nervously.

Alice pretended to look shocked, "Sirius, we would never ever hurt you."

"Sit down," instructed Lily. Sirius gulped and as he was told.

"Excellent," murmured Lily. She looked at Alice who grinned at her. 

"Honestly Sirius, you'd think we were planning to burry you alive," commented Alice. Sirius wasn't so sure if she was joking or if she was hinting what she and lily were going to do to him.

Sirius's neck part of his robes suddenly became tighter.

Alice waddled (not walked, waddled,) behind Sirius put her hands on his shoulders. Her thumbs were making large circles on his back, what was she doing? It felt a bit familiar, like he had this done to him before. Then it struck like a bolt of lightening, she wasn't hurting him, she was massaging him!

"That's it," breathed Lily, "relax, don't worry, we won't hurt you."

Could he trust these large evil witches? Well, it wouldn't hurt to try. 

Lily waddled upstairs; the plan was going perfectly, just get him nice and settled and then lower the boom on him. She got out James's bathrobes; they were a vital part of the plan. 

Meanwhile, Alice felt as though her hands were about to fall off. _Why did Frank have to go that stupid trip? At least he left me his muggle credit cards; by the end of this month he's going to have a high surprise. _Alice thought.

Alice stopped massaging because if she did any more she'd have to get Sirius to buy her a new pair of hands. _Christmas list: _

_1: A healthy baby._

_2: A new set of robes._

     

_3: Frank's mother's head on a golden plate._

_4: Sirius to praise me as his Goddess._

_5: You-Know-Who to find his downfall by a one-year-old. _Alice wished. "Are you OK?" she asked Sirius whispering into his ear. He nodded, but it was quite robot like. 

There was a crash and Sirius leapt up, Lily had tumbled downstairs looking as though she'd been electrocuted because of the mess that her hair was in. "Lily, are OK?" he asked. Lily rubbed her back and nodded, so much for subtle. 

"Hey, I know why don't we all watch a movie?" asked Lily, trying to get the attention form her crash landing down the stairs. 

Alice looked as though someone had just asked her what her phone number was, (she couldn't remember a digit of it.) "Uh, what's a movie?"

Lily rolled her eyes and said:  "You don't remember what a movie is after you aced Muggle Studies?" 

"I know its entertainment," retorted Alice. "Is it similar to tennis?"

"Yes it is, Alice," said Lily sarcastically.

"Cool," Alice replied, "I get dibs on the good horse."

Lily smacked her head hard; trust Alice to think that you ride a horse in tennis. "Maybe watching a movie isn't a good idea after all."

Alice grinned; it was time to get back to the plan. "Sirius," she began, "you're very mucky."

"Yes," agreed Lily, "very mucky indeed."

Sirius gulped, he had that suspicious feeling again. 

"Why don't you take a bath?" suggested Lily. 

A bath?! And Sirius thought that he was going to be kicked out of the house because he stank so much, this was a much better idea. 

"Go into my and James's room," instructed Lily. "Strip off and put on the bathrobe that's on the bed."

Sirius though nothing of it and raced upstairs and ran into the room.

Alice did a fake sniff, "He's so naïve." She said as she Lily began climbing up the stairs.

"That was an excellent plan," complimented Lily.

"Keep your voice down," commanded Alice, "the joke hasn't finished yet, you can compliment me on my brilliance afterwards."

 "And you're _so _modest too," retorted Lily very sarcastically.

"Yes, I am," replied Alice forgetting the sarcasm, "I should have an award."

"Now you're beginning to sound like James," commented Lily.

Just after that Sirius almost crashed into Lily as ran out of the room wearing a maroon bathrobe and he had cheeks to match. "Why does James wear this?"

Lily cringed, she put the wrong one out, and that wasn't even part of the plan! "Err, that's mine."

Sirius's cheeks flushed even more, "I suppose it's too late now."

Lily held her head down in shame and nodded while Alice was using all self-control not to burst out laughing. 

Sirius jogged into the bathroom, after a millisecond after that Alice burst out laughing. She said between gasps of breath, "Why didn't you tell me you did that? And here's you praising me when you could be a worthy opponent of your own husband."

"A worthy opponent of what?" Lily asked sounding very bewildered.

"Pranking, of course," she replied, still gasping for breath at the sight of Sirius only in a maroon bathrobe.

"It was an accident," protested Lily, "it really was."

Meanwhile Sirius had run the bath, for him it was a very hard task because he had always relied on magic to run him a bath but he had left his wand in the pocket of his robes.

Sirius tripped and swore loudly, he wasn't looking where he was going, and he still had a strange feeling that Lily and Alice were planning something. 

~The hallway~

"Should we do it?" muttered Alice. Lily nodded and Alice whispered a spell.

~The bathroom~

Sirius stepped in the bath; there were bubbles everywhere. He let his head sink beneath the water. He suddenly became very cold and sat up again. He opened his eyes; he wasn't in the bathroom anymore, it was icy scenery around him. There were small giggles behind him; he twirled his body around. People were staring at him! He was in the Artic! How humiliating!

"LILY!" bellowed Sirius, "ALICE: I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!"

***

I hope this gets some reviews!

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	3. Plot Plunders

 *****Smiles* I got more reviews, yeah! :)

Also, if you check out my bio, you'll find that this is the most successful fic yet! 

OK, so none of my fics have ten or more reviews, is that true? Yes, it is at the moment so please, please, please review!

Thanks:

**Captain 'Phoenix' Aquamarine: **Thanks for reviewing again! And you what else? I'm in Leeds and it's boiling! :-p OK, it's not; you caught me!  

**Ireth Lossehelin: **I know I'm terrible aren't I?

**Chocolate Taco: **I know it's kind of strange but I wanted it to be funny!

**Chesiere Cat: **Wormtail won't bother you…..for now! *Laughs like a lunatic.*

Plot plunders 

Sirius apparated back into the bathroom, (he left the bath in the Artic.) He was freezing; his lips were blue and his face was pure white. He quickly put on the bathrobe and ran back into Lily and James's room. _So that's what they were planning, _Thought Sirius, _I'll get them, if it's the last thing I do, and it will probably be the last thing I do._

He put back on his robes, which were still dirty and smelly and discreetly came downstairs. Lily and Alice were watching a movie; _Perfect._ He took out his wand from his pocket and muttered a spell; _tomorrow will be the best day of my life. _

"Hey girls," he said cheerfully, "said any spells recently?" he was leaning over a settee that the girls were sitting on. 

Lily gulped, "Hey Sirius," she laughed nervously, "you're not sore about what happened are you?"

"Of course not," assured Sirius, "it was an honest mistake, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," agreed Alice, "it was."

"So what're watching?" he asked trying not to sound suspicious.

"Oh, it's nothing," said Lily turning off the TV. "How about we go shopping?"

Sirius remembered James's words: _"And whatever you do, don't take them shopping, the last thing I need is to be owing half the wizard population money."_

"Sure," he said. 

***

They all got ready, (it took twice as long because Alice kept asking for biscuits,) and apparated to discreet area near a shopping centre. Alice groaned, "What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

"Back pain," she replied, "has anyone got any biscuits?" 

Lily rolled her eyes, "No, you ate them all." 

Alice looked very green, "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Yuck!" said Sirius, "too much information!" 

"Sirius!" shouted Lily, "who can you be so inconsiderate? It's OK Alice, you'll feel better; everyone always does."

Sirius was totally amazed by the massive mood swing.

Alice gave a weak smile, "There's some toilets not to far, I think I'll be able to make it."

Lily smiled back, "Good."

They just made it; the second Alice went inside she….well, I think you can guess what happened.

"Are you feeling better?" asked Sirius, Lily had made him promise not remind Alice of what happened. She nodded but she looked a little pale. 

"Why don't we go to cinema?" asked Lily trying to brighten things up, "instead of shopping, after all, there's a movie which I know you'll love."

"Can you first tell me what a movie is?" asked Alice remembering how stupid she felt the first time Lily suggested it. 

"Of course," said Lily, "remember when we were watching that box which had pictures that move and talk?" Alice nodded. "Well, this is exactly the same only there's no adverts and it's a lot longer."

Alice smiled at Lily and Sirius, "Do you want to, Sirius?" she asked as they walked over to the discreet area again

"Sure, I heard that they've got this great movie on," said Sirius.

"Does it by any chance have the title 'Hetres'?" asked Lily.

"Yes," replied Sirius.

"We are absolutely _not_ seeing that movie!" shouted Lily.

"Why not?" asked Sirius and Alice.

"Because it's about fish!" retorted Lily.

"Sirius," began Alice, "why don't we just wait until we get there to pick out the movie?"

Sirius didn't get to reply to what Alice had just said because a snarling voice behind her had just said: "Banks, fancy meeting you here have you lost weight?" Which would have been a compliment if a) Alice wasn't married and the voice had just called her by Alice's maiden name and b) she was nearly 9 months pregnant.

"First off, Snivellus," snapped Alice not looking at him, "it's Longbottom, second: sucking up isn't good especially if it's about their weight and they're 9 months pregnant."  

"Longbottom, eh," he retorted. "So you finally managed to figure out how to do the Imperius curse?"

Alice found it hard to blink back the tears.  

Lily clenched her fist together, "Leave her alone!"

"Oh, mudblood, didn't see you," he snarled. "Still dating Potter? Of course you would be, he's the only boyfriend you'll ever have." 

"Really?" she asked raising her eyebrows, "and here I thought I was married to him, oh silly me! You're _always_ right," she said very sarcastically.

"And Black," Snape began, "what are you doing here? Babysitting? Did their husbands get some common sense and left them with the only gay idiot they knew?"

BAM!!!!!!!!! Sirius punched Snape in the face hard. **"DON'T YOU EVER INSULT THEM AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! OR YOU'LL HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO." **Then he swore at Snape and said all kinds of threatening stuff. 

Lily noticed that Snape was trying to get something out of his pocket while keeping his eyes locked with Sirius at the same time. "Accio wand!" Shouted Lily, Snape's wand flew into Lily's hand. 

"Give it to me," commanded Snape, "give me to me _now._"

"Give you what? This old stick looks to battered to be a wand." Taunted Lily. 

"I use it properly, that's why," retorted Snape.

"For what? To plot muggles deaths perhaps?" Said Alice, "Admit it, you're a Death Eater."

"I'm _not_!" said Snape biting his tongue, "now give me my wand back!" 

"Lily, I think you should," agreed Sirius.

Lily was so shocked to hear Sirius say that she fainted. 

Alice tried to catch Lily but Alice's arms couldn't take the weight and her right arm gave a loud crack. This couldn't be good. 

Snape on the other hand decided to take advantage of Lily's unconsciousness and smirked and took his wand out of Lily's hand. "Love to stay and chat and help this _cow _on her two feet again but I've got more important things to like smelling my feet." So he appartated off to smell his feet, or so he said. 

Sirius looked red in face with anger.

Alice looked green with sickness.

Lily looked white with shock.

Meanwhile, Snape was in a state of panic and was trying to do everything in his power to get his owl to come back: he had just sent an owl to Dumbledore saying that he would be happy to take over as the Potions Master the second the old one decided to quit, after all who'd want to teach James Potter's and Frank Longbottom's offspring? 

It was too late, his very frail looking owl came back empty handed, there was only one thing he could do to stop from teaching those two kids: he'd have to commit suicide. 

~Back to Black~

"Lily, please wake up," pleaded Alice.

"It's no good," said Sirius, "someone is going to have to carry her."

Alice glared at Sirius.

"What?! I don't see you coming up with any ideas," he defended.

"You're a wizard for crying out loud! We're in a discreet area so why don't you just use a spell or something?" snapped Alice.

"Why don't you?" snapped back Sirius.

"I'd love to there's only one problem: Lily is using my arms as her bed!" she shouted.

"Oh, sorry," said Sirius. Lily and Alice's mood swings seemed to get worse and worse. He murmured a spell and Lily started to float in the air.

They apparated back to Lily's house. "Huh?" asked Lily as she was put down on her bed.

"It's OK Lils," assured Alice in the same tone that Lily used when Alice was sick, "everything's fine now."

After about two hours of arguing Sirius, Lily and Alice decided that the best thing to do was to see a movie. They decided to let Sirius to pick the movie for saying thanks for agreeing to look after Alice and Lily. (Even though the girls didn't like the idea from the start.)

The next worry was refreshments. The girls wanted to have as much as they wanted while Sirius was trying to explain to them that it wouldn't be great for the babies' and their own health if they ate food like popcorn and sweets. Lily and Alice won the argument by giving Sirius identical icy stares, which freaked Sirius out.

Sirius reserved the seat for the girls in the middle row because he was bored waiting in line. He recognized a man with light brown hair. "Remus? He asked.

The man turned his head revealing a pair of honey coloured eyes: it was Remus. "Hey," he retorted. "What're you doing here? You hardly ever come to the cinema if you can help it."

"I'm with couple of people," explained Sirius, "technically I'm just looking after them." 

"Who?" he asked.

"Lily and Alice," Sirius answered, "They're both nearly nine months pregnant."

"I know," said Remus, "Lily and James announced it when all of the Marauders were at a part and Alice told me that she was pregnant when she was at St Mungo's I had a nasty scratch that needed to be checked out at the time."

"Guess what happened to me," said Sirius. Then he told Remus what the girls did to him and what he did to them.

"You didn't!" said Remus in surprise, "they're gonna kill you!"

Sirius grinned, "It'll be worth it to see the looks on their faces, plus the spell lasts for twenty-four hours and once the spell has been cast there's no stopping it."

"So when will they find out?" asked Remus.

"Tomorrow, as soon as they get up," answered Sirius with an evil grin on his face. "Could you help me look after them?"

"Absolutely not!" retorted Remus looking mortified, "they'll blame me once they find out."

"They won't," assured Sirius. "Please?" Sirius pouted.

"Oh, all right," gave in Remus, "but only to see the look on their faces in the morning, then you're on your own."

I just had to add our favourite werewolf in this fic!

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	4. Movie Madness

Sorry if this isn't as quick as you want it to be! 

Thanks:

**Cardinal: **Thank-you so much for putting me on your favourites list!

**Chocolate Taco: **I have a habit of making things weird.

**Captain 'Phoenix' Aquamarine: **You'll find out soon!

Finally, on with the fic!

****

Movie Madness 

"Hey guys!" called out Alice carrying about seventy tubs of popcorn.

"Remus, didn't see you there!" said Lily carrying just as many sweets. 

"Err, hey guys," replied Remus nervously.

"What's wrong?" asked Lily coming closer to Remus.

 Remus stepped back a bit. "Nothing."

_Moony is weirder than usual,_ Sirius thought. "Lets just sit down," he ordered. Alice and Lily gave him a you-better-not-be-ordering-me-around-or-I'll-bite-your-head-off looks. "If you want," he added.

They did as Sirius suggested.

***

In Sirius's opinion: the movie was great, if only he got to see some of it. Every five minutes Alice was asking him what was going on and Sirius had a lot of difficulty to keep Alice's mouth shut so she wouldn't scream at the wide screen. Also, Lily and Alice somehow managed to eat all the sweets and popcorn, Sirius thought that were carrying a small army inside them.

"I wanna go to a restaurant," whined Alice.

"What?!" asked Remus," you just ate the entire supply of sweets in the entire cinema, how can you _possibly_ be hungry?" 

"I agree with Alice," said Lily, "besides half the things that we had ended up in your hair." 

Remus automatically touched his hair.  

"Ha!" shouted Alice, "you fell for it!" 

"Ho, ho," said Remus sarcastically.

Sirius put his right elbow on Remus's shoulder, "Don't be tight to poor Remmie!" 

Lily smirked, "Of course we won't, right Alice?" Lily nudged Alice with her elbow.

"Oh, yeah," she agreed, and then she started to stare at the ceiling. 

Lily glared at Alice, "Don't say it."

"Say what?" Alice asked.

"I know what you are planning to tease me about," Lily replied. 

"I was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!" 

"Was not!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Ha!" Lily said. "You admitted it!" Lily smiled in triumph while Alice decided to have a nice sulk. 

"What were you going to say?" Remus asked and then flung his arms over his face in protection because he knew that Lily was going to shout at him.

Alice grinned, "Lily, you always wanted me to tell the truth, so here it goes……" Alice opened her mouth to tell Remus but Lily _accidentally_ pushed Alice to her left, which sent Alice flying onto Sirius's lap, (he sat on the chair that he had been sitting on during the movie a minute ago). Sirius let out a howl of pain. 

"Sorry, Sirius!" said Alice.

"It's OK, as long as you get off me!" reminded Sirius.

"Oops, sorry," said Alice jumping off Sirius, (it was a gigantic height for Alice). 

Alice glared at Lily, "You're so dead."

***

Fortunately, Sirius and Remus managed to convince Alice not to kill Lily and now they were on their way to a restaurant in a Muggle taxi. It was very cramped in the taxi, (well, it would be with two heavily pregnant women, two fully-grown men and a taxi driver). Also everyone had shut Sirius up because he kept singing songs in the taxi.

"Old Mc~" Sirius began.

"Say it and die," growled Lily.

"Fonald had a farm~" Sirius continued.

Remus glared at Sirius. "What?" Sirius asked, "I didn't say McDonald I said McFonald."

Alice, who was at the front of the taxi, (_Lucky bitch,_ Remus thought,) tightened her fist. 

"E I E I U!!!!" Sirius shouted.

"I think you mean E I E I O!" corrected Lily.

"Great," said Remus sarcastically, "now we get to hear the correct McDonald song."

"Aww, Remmie, don't be so sour," Sirius pouted. 

 "What gave you the idea that Remus was sour?" said Lily sarcastically, "was the oh-so-hard-to-miss sarcasm or was it the fact that he hates your singing?"

"Remmie hates my singing?" Sirius asked. _Is it my imagination, or is Remus staring at Lily as if she was a bomb that was about to explode?_

"Guys," began Alice.

"No, Padfoot I don't hate your singing, I just have a headache," retorted Remus.

"Guys!" repeated Alice.

"Aww, you have a headache why didn't you tell me? Let me give a hug." Offered Sirius.

"No, that's quite alright, thank you," assured Remus.

"POTTER! BLACK! LUPIN!" bellowed Alice.

"Do we have a Professor in the taxi, Alice?" teased Sirius.

"This is very serious, I think it's… time." Hesitated Alice. 

"You're kidding!" said Lily.

Alice shook her head. 

"Err… Mr taxi driver, please could you take us to the hospital, my friend is about to have a baby," said Sirius.

The taxi man rolled his eyes and turned the car around.

The turns seemed a bit sharper and Remus dreaded it when they had to right because everyone moved to the left, which squished him. "Sirius," (who was in the middle) "you're sitting on my hand!" 

"We wouldn't _be_ in this situation if Alice hadn't chosen such a convenient time to go into labour," replied Sirius.

"Don't blame me," said Alice.

"Who else is there to blame?" asked Sirius.

"Uh, Lily?" 

"How is it my fault?" snapped Lily.

"Because there's nobody else to blame."

***

Sirius, Remus, Lily and Alice got home three hours later; it was a false alarm.

They had an argument about when they should go to bed; Remus and Sirius said that they should go to bed later than the women because they needed to rest to get ready for the birth of their children. The girls said that the boys would wreck Lily and James's house if they went to bed before

After a lot of temper tantrums (mostly made by Lily) they all decided to go to bed at the same time.

***

Sirius woke up by hearing Lily and Alice's screams; the spell had worked. Sirius went back to sleep, with a smile on his face of course.  

***

I know, I know, not as funny as the other chapters, but it's building up to a hilarious chapter, (the next one). 

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	5. Rescue Remus!

Sorry is this chapter isn't quick enough!

Dear readers,

  If you are reading this then I suggest you let me know, why? Because I love reviews! These brilliant people reviewed: **Cardinal, **(I'm happy that you thought it was funny!) **Captain 'Phoenix'** **Aquamarine,** (you'll find out in this chapter.) **Chocolate Taco, **(it was the reason I was born to be strange!) I would love and maybe even (gasp!) read your work if you review.

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**Rescue Remus!**

****

Sirius's second sleep didn't last for long, after about ten minutes Sirius was woken up by Remus's scream. "No! Not that! Anything but that!" Remus shouted.

Sirius immediately flung the covers off him and ran downstairs only wearing a pair of boxers. "I'm coming, Remus!" he shouted, it was Lily and Alice's fault… definitely Lily and Alice's fault.

Sirius found Remus on a chair tied up all on his own. "Help me!" cried Remus.

"Not so fast," came Lily's voice. Sirius turned around and burst out laughing. Lily had grown a gigantic pair of purple wings overnight. "You did this to me!" she screamed. "How could you!"

"I didn't," replied Sirius, "it was Remus."

Remus opened his mouth and then closed it and then opened his mouth and closed it again. 

"Will you please stop acting like a goldfish say what you have to say, Remus," came Alice's voice. Alice walked into the kitchen, she had a pair of wings on her back, which were almost identical to Lily's, but the only difference was that Alice had pink wings. 

"Sirius," began Remus, "how dare you blame me for _your_ actions."

"It was your fault," Sirius lied. 

"My fault?" Remus repeated. "I wasn't even there when you cast that spell."

"Liar."  

****

"Me?" Remus asked, "a lair."

"Yeah, you are a liar," said Sirius.

"Take it back or I'll tell James what _really_ happened to his broom," threatened Remus.

Sirius went a little pale, "You wouldn't really do that? Would you, Moony, old friend?" 

"I would." "OK, OK, you win." Remus smiled in triumph. "Now, about untying me…" 

"Do it yourself," quickly retorted Sirius.

"I have a lot more things to blackmail you on, Padfoot." Said Remus in a you-do-what-I-say-right-now-or-no-good-will-happen-to-you way. 

"Like what?" Sirius folded his arms.

"You know, at that place when you did that thing with that girl…" Remus went on and on, each word made Sirius more and more red faced. The truth was, however, that Remus didn't have a clue what he was on about but if it meant having this much fun by making Sirius go red when he didn't know anything then there was surely nothing wrong with Remus. 

"Do they even realise that we're still here?" whispered Alice to Lily. 

"No, how much do you bet that they realise that we're still here in more than an hour," answered Lily.

"Ten galleons." Retorted Alice, "Speaking of bets, do you remember the one that we made in the sixth year?"

"We made a lot of bets that year, Alice," informed Lily.

"I'm talking about the one that we never got to finish," answered Alice.

Lily suddenly realised what Alice was talking about and Lily decided to pretend that she still didn't know. "Didn't we finish all of them?" 

"And I thought I had bad memory!" commented Alice. "Don't you remember the bet we made about being mothers?"

"What about being mothers?" Lily prayed that Alice would give up half way through trying to explain what they had a bet about.

Alice hit her head… hard. "Don't you remember when you badgered me about taking it slow with Frank?" 

Lily nodded; only a maniac would for get that. (A/N: Or Neville Longbottom.)

"Well personally, I thought you were contradicting yourself after how you let James kiss you so easily." Replied Alice.

"I let James kiss me and then I slapped him… hard. Also I was practically being mean to James compared to what you let Frank do," Lily pointed out.

"But we were dating for months and we didn't kiss for at least two weeks and you kissed when you two had been dating for…two minutes!"

"I think mean seconds, what happened was this: James asked me out for about the millionth time and I said: 'Fine, you win! Happy?' then he kissed and then I slapped him and said it was over between us."

"And then next day he asked you out again and then the cycle continued," said Alice. 

There was a long silence between Lily and Alice.

Then to Lily's dismay Alice remembered about the bet. "Hey! Do you remember the bet that we made? You know, the one that whoever became a mother first had to give the other one fifty galleons. Well, guess what? It's still on."

Lily went a little pale, "Does it have to? I don't have fifty galleons!"

"Ask your husband then." 

Lily pouted, "Do I have to?"

"Yes!" Alice retorted. She eyed Remus's bag and took something out of it. "Remus!" Remus was still taunting Sirius. "Remus!" Remus hadn't heard her. "REMUS!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"What?" Remus shot back. 

Alice unwrapped a bar of chocolate and emphasized that she was enjoying it. "Mmm." Remus looked as though he had just been shot. 

"That's tight," defended Sirius, "you got him here it hurts the most. You know poor Remmie can't live without a least a bar of chocolate day, that's just cruel!" Sirius's facial expressions changed into a devious smile. "Then again, blackmailing isn't much better. GIVE ME A BAR OF CHOCOLATE, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Absolutely not!" said Lily. "Personally, if it's anyone who needs to be tied up, it's Sirius!" 

"You wouldn't dare," said Sirius trying to hide the fear in his voice."

"Oh, wouldn't we?" Alice asked. 

"You're insane!" insulted Sirius.

"Excuse me, insane?" repeated Alice. "Who's the one who took a bath in the Artic?" 

"And who's the one who turned the Gryffindor common room into a bedroom?" retorted Sirius.

"Shut up, Sirius," replied Alice.

Meanwhile, Remus was trying desperately to get himself untied with on hand seeing as Sirius had sat on the other and nearly broken it, (he was heavier than he looked). There! He did it! But now the real challenge was to get out of the house alive. Remus didn't know if getting out alive was worth leaving delicious, gorgeous, brown, milky, mouth watering chocolate in Lily's house. 

But after much debating (and mental slaps) Remus decided that he would have to leave the irresistible Belgium chocolates behind. Remus slowly stood up and turned the doorknob as quiet as a weremouse (a cross between a werewolf and a mouse) only Remus wasn't quiet enough because: "He's getting away!" screamed Alice.

Sirius pounced on Remus.    

***

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	6. Puke Soup

I'm back! Sorry if this isn't as quick as any of you wanted, I have a sprained finger! 

Thanks: Andrei: I had a feeling somebody would say that!

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Bronfelen: James probably has xMadgirlxitis; it's a spreading disease in the UK!

Puke Soup 

Remus swore he heard his back crack, "Sirius, get off me! You're too heavy!"

Sirius, who was sitting on Remus's back and having a great time doing so said: "Am not!"

"It must have been that puke soup you had," muttered Remus.

Lily stepped back, "Puke soup?"

"Yeah, James, Sirius and I went to this hotel in Spain for our fifth year Summer holidays. It was terrible! I wish my sister hadn't even suggested that she took my friends and me on holiday with and her boyfriend. Peter was the lucky one because was on holiday with his family at the same time." Explained Remus. 

"And what has this got to do with puke soup?" Alice asked, making sure that she was a least five feet away form Sirius and nearly fell over a chair in the process. 

"Well, the food at the hotel was absolutely horrible! For starters it was soup, which James christened it as 'Puke Soup' and my God did it smell of puke!"  Retorted Remus. "And I haven't even described the rooms yet!" 

"And we don't want know!" replied Lily.

"Was there anything worth to remember there that _wasn't _gross?" Alice asked.

"Yeah," said Sirius saying something in the conversation for an entire two minutes, (gasp!) "Remus got smashed."

Lily pretended to act shocked, "Remus Lupin got smashed? What is the world coming too? Next we'll have Sirius in Azkaban, then again… Sirius being locked up _does_ have its advantages." 

Lily pretended to faint and Alice tried to catch her but unfortunately one of Lily's horns on her purple wings stabbed Alice. "Ouch!" 

"Very funny, Lily," said Sirius.

Remus got tired of being under Sirius's weight and tried push Sirius off of him, it worked better than Remus planned, Sirius was now on the floor and Remus had his foot resting on Sirius's back. "Now you know how I felt."

Sirius stood up knocking Remus onto the floor again and chuckled. "You were saying?" 

"You won't be laughing for long," threatened Remus. 

"Oh, won't I?" taunted Sirius.

Remus tripped Sirius by kicking Sirius's leg. "See, I told you that you won't be laughing for long."

Sirius stood up and picked up Remus who was now banging Sirius's back. "Now try to stop me laughing," Sirius cackled. Sirius carried Remus up the stairs despite his protests. 

"Put me down!" demanded Remus. 

"What? And ruin a perfectly good chance to gloat and torture you? I think not!"  Said Sirius.

"Hey!" began Lily. "Do you want some ice-cream?" she asked opening the freezer.

"Sure, I'll get the spoons," volunteered Alice. She opened one drawer and found forks. She opened the next and found knives and the next and found… err… you wouldn't want to know what she found! Eventually, Alice found the spoons. 

Lily gave Alice a giant tub of vanilla ice cream. "So," she began.

"So," repeated Alice.

"LIIIIIIIIILY! ALIIIIIICE!" yelled Sirius. "HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Do you think we should help him?" Alice asked.

"Yeah," said Lily. Then a devious smile appeared on her face. "As soon as our wings disappear. After all, shouldn't Sirius be able to take on a fully grown werewolf?"

Alice stabbed her ice cream with her spoon and took a huge scoop out of the tub. "I've never had ice cream for breakfast before." She took another mouthful. "'Elwp mwe!" ((1))

"What?" Lily asked. 

"'Elwp mwe!" she repeated. ((1))

"What did you say? It would really help if you took your spoon out of your mouth," commented Lily.

"Iw cwant!" shouted Alice. "'Pwoon stwuck twoo twongue!" she said indicated that her spoon would not come off her tongue. ((2))

Lily gasped. "Oh, Alice! Only you could get yourself into that kind of mess!" 

"Aww ywou gwoing twoo 'elwp mwe?" Alice said impatiently. ((3)) 

"OK, OK," said Lily calmly. "Follow me to the sink."

Alice waddled to the sink with her tongue sticking out of her mouth and her silver spoon was firmly stuck to her tongue. 

Lily turned the hot tap. "Lean over," she instructed.

Alice stepped back. "Nwo nway!" ((4))

"Do you want for the rest of your life to have wings on your back _and_ a spoon stuck to your tongue?" Lily asked.

Alice shook her head and stuck tongue out very near the hot tap. 

"Hold still," Lily commanded. 

"Ahh!" Alice shouted as Lily tried gently pulling the spoon off. After many attempts they managed it. 

"Better?" Lily asked. 

Alice nodded. "But my tongue feels a bit numb!"  

"It would," Lily smirked. "'_Elwp mwe!_" ((1))

"If you're going to imitate me at least do it right," snapped Alice.

"You know that I'm…" but Lily never got to finish her sentence.

The door was being knocked so hard that it sounded as though someone was smacking the door. "Alice!" boomed a voice. "Let me in!"

Lily let out a scream, "God, what's happening?" she asked in a distressed voice.

The door let a large boom again and this time the door sounded as though someone was chopping the door to pieces. 

This time both the girls screamed. Unfortunately the 'thing' turned the doorknob and swung the door open. A terrifying looking monster was staring at the floor. Its head was grey and its brown fur looked as though it had been moth eaten. Lily ran out of the kitchen as fast as she could, that left Alice with the monster. It looked up glaring its big grey eyes at Alice.

Oh, wait a minute, it wasn't a monster, it was worse: it was Frank's Mother.    

***

I know, I know, not very long. But it's quality not quantity, right?

TRANSLATIONS:

((1)) "Help me!"

((2)) "I can't! My spoon is stuck to my tongue!" (Yes, Alice did miss a few words out).

((3)) "Are you going to help me?"

((4)) "No way!"

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	7. Go away Grandma

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                    **Go away Grandma!**

****

Alice screamed. "AAAAHHHH!" and again, "AAAAHHHH!" and again and again, "AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHHH!" 

"Get a hold of yourself!" commanded the devil AKA Mrs Longbottom.

Alice still screamed. "AAAAHHHH!" 

Mrs Longbottom slapped Alice on both cheeks, "Stop it! You're hurting my ears."

Alice screamed louder, "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" 

"You're making Lily's ears hurt!"

Alice immediately stopped screaming.

"That's better," said Mrs Longbottom.

Alice screamed again for good measure. "AAAHHH!" 

"That's enough!" shrieked Mrs Longbottom. "If you screamed any louder the Ministry will be after us!"

"OK, _Mum,_" spat Alice.

"By the way, have you been practicing your breathing exercises?" Mrs Longbottom asked.

Alice hit her head, "Damn."

"I knew it, I knew it!" said Mrs Longbottom in triumph. "I told Frank that you would forget but he said that you were to crazy about the baby to forget, ha! I knew better!

Alice grinded her teeth, "I said damn because I forgot the booklet."

BANG! Something upstairs was making a lot of noise. BANG! It sounded like there were a few dozen elephants above the kitchen. "LEEEEET MEEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOO!!!!" Somebody shouted. 

"NEEEEVEEEEEEEEER!" Somebody else replied.

BANG! "WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!" Mrs Longbottom shouted. 

THUMP! THUMP! Something was making a terrible noise.

Mrs Longbottom walked from the kitchen into the hallway and stood right at the bottom with her hands on her hips and she was tapping her foot. Finally, after a lot of bangs and a lot of whimpers from Lily (she was worried what damage there might be upstairs) Alice finally said: "D'you think there's a murder going on up there?"

"Don't be silly, Alice," retorted Mrs Longbottom.

BANG! BANG! THUMP! THUMP! Something was rolling down the stairs. Lily screamed. "What is it?" She asked. 

Alice and Mrs Longbottom stepped back to make way for the human ball. With a massive THUMP! The human ball landed in the hallway and it was no longer a ball anymore; it was Sirius on the floor being pinned down to it by Remus. "I win," Remus whispered.

"Sirius, darling," Mrs Longbottom boomed as soon as Sirius stood up. "How's your lovely Mother?"

Sirius twitched; his Mother and the word "lovely" should be illegal to be in the same sentence. "Fine, thanks," he replied coolly.

"That's good. Ever since I told her the plans of Frank's wedding she seems a little… distant, I haven't seen her for ages, do you know why?" 

Sirius hesitated for a second, "I dunno, I haven't seen her for a long time myself." He said ignoring the fact that Mrs Longbottom obviously told his Mother that Lily was Alice's Maid of Honour so that probably made his Mother very angry because she knew that Lily was a Muggle-born. 

"OK," retorted Mrs Longbottom. "Oh, and Remus, darling, I haven't seen you for ages, I saw your sister, though, the live one of course." 

"Umm," Remus began, "I hate to tell you this but both of my sisters are dead."

Mrs Longbottom gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry Remus. How's, uh, the rest of your family?"

Remus lifted up seven fingers. "My Grandparents are both practically living in St Mungo's." He said lowering two fingers. "My younger sister tripped and got run over by a bus." He carried on lowering his thumb. "Soon after my little sister died my Dad committed suicide." He lowered his index finger. "My older sister was murdered by her boyfriend who is now a Death Eater on the run." He lowered another finger. "My Mum barely speaks to anyone let alone me and she now lives life as a loner." He lowered his ring finger. "That leaves me. I'm currently living in James and Lily Potter's house until their child is born and I'm looking after Lily, Alice and Sirius." He lowered his last finger.

Charming Remus, very charming, you certainly have a very charming family history. 

"Well… glad too see that you're doing… OK." Said Mrs Longbottom eyeing Remus's very tattered robes.

"_Mum,_" said Alice emphasizing the word "Mum" as though it was the most vile and disgusting word in her vocabulary. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Mrs Longbottom gasped. "Oh my God! What happened to you? Was it painful? Oh, I feel so sorry for you, you poor dear." 

"You don't have to fuss over me that much," said Alice slightly smirking.

Mrs Longbottom ignored her, "Who did this to you? I'll kill them. This must be terrible! Honestly, who would be that mean to curse you with wings? Oh, _Lily_ dear, this dreadful!"

Alice looked as though she was about to kill her Mother-in-law. "What about me?"   

"What about you? You look exactly the same as I left you. But maybe you've put on a couple of pounds."

Alice gave Mrs Longbottom a very sour smile, she only saw her last week and she said that she had put on weight! How dare she! She must pay! But there was one little fact that Alice had suddenly remembered: Frank would never speak to her again if his Mother got hurt. Alice had no idea why. It must be a man thing.

"I… I think you should leave, _Mother_." Alice said, "I'm fine here. Why do you always have to keep track of what Frank and I are doing where we're doing it?"

"I don't know what you're on about," began Mrs Longbottom. "I only came here too see how my only daughter was doing."

"I'm _not_ your daughter, stop saying that just admit what you really think of me!"

"I assure that I don't know what you're talking about," Mrs Longbottom answered. "My only interest is you and that you give birth to my Grandson in a proper manner, I know that some women threaten to kill their husbands during their labour and I don't want any of that."

"Excuse me?" Alice asked. "What are you on about? What do you mean that I need to birth to your Grandson in a proper manner? I can say anything I want to Frank."

"You won't if I say that I won't help you look after the child," threatened Mrs Longbottom. "I bet that you'll be asking me to help you look after it in the first fortnight." 

"I will not!" retorted Alice. "I bet that you asked for help when Frank was born!"

"Is that a bet?" Mrs Longbottom questioned. "I am quite aware that you and Lily made a lot of bets at Hogwarts." 

"Yeah, you and everyone else except Lily." Said Alice, "Are you going to leave or what?"

"No, I brought my suitcase," replied Mrs Longbottom. Then she took her wand out form her pocket and cast a spell, "SUITTY!" a loud crash of shattering glass was heard.

Lily shut her eyes in terror. _It's only for a week; it's only week._ She kept reminding herself. About one dozen suitcases came flying from the kitchen into the hallway. 

"I packed lightly," said Mrs Longbottom.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I sure you did."

"Now," said Mrs Longbottom ignoring what Alice had just said. "Sirius, Remus, make yourselves useful and carry these bags to the spare room.

"But that's where I sleep!" protested Remus.

"Well, you're just going to have to sleep on the sofa, aren't you?"

Remus tightened his fists but did not complain.

"Don't worry, Remus," whispered Lily as he passed her to find his bag to get his wand. "She'll get so bored bossing everyone around she won't even sleep over, trust me."  
  


"Last time I trusted you I ended up hiding in the bushes because I was naked," replied Remus.

"Hey," said Lily, "I thought you were good at strip poker, how was I supposed to know that Peter had a hidden talent for poker?"

***

Help! I'm running out of ideas please help!!!!

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	8. Girl Talk

**Chocolate Taco: **Why didn't I think of that?

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**MoonGoddess25:** Thanks for reviewing four times! And yes, it is the same Grandma in the books.

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I love you guys!

Also, I'll probably be asking help again soon but I do know what's going to happen in the end (and it doesn't end with the birth) actually, the end chapter is an optional chapter, (the one before the last chapter could be considered the end).

                                                 **Girl Talk**

Lily was very wrong about Mrs Longbottom getting bored, as Alice had told her just after Alice and Frank were engaged, Mrs Longbottom's favourite hobby was bossing everybody around and she NEVER got tired of it EVER! 

Once, Alive got so tired of Mrs Longbottom rummaging through her suitcase she said: "Honestly, don't you trust me." 

"No." Came the muffled reply.

Alice stormed off into Sirius's room, (the baby's future room). "I hate her!" she shouted. "I really, really hate her!"

Sirius who was trying to get some sleep opened his eyes and stretched his arms and yawned. "Go complain where I can't hear you."

Alice was very tempted wrap her hands around his neck and choke him. "Shut up, Sirius. I'll complain where I like, thank you very much." She said even though she had nothing to say thank you for.

Sirius sat and used his pillow as a backrest. "Do you want me to get rid of her?"

"YES!!!!!" Alice shrieked and she put her arms around him.

"Well, too bad, because I'm not doing it!" Alice immediately let go of Sirius.

"What do you mean you're not doing it?! Of course you're doing it! You _have _to get rid of her!" she said sounding very desperate.

"Why should I? All you've been is mean to me," replied Sirius.

Alice gave Sirius a hug, "I'm sorry, Sirius. I guess I was cross at Frank so I took it out on you."

"Do you really mean that?" Sirius asked. 

"No," Alice stopped hugging Sirius. "Please help me get rid of her! She'll make your life a living hell too!"

"Really?" Sirius asked. 

 "Yes, really," Alice cracked her knuckles.

"You really shouldn't do that," advised Sirius.

"And since when have you been the expert on health?" Alice folded her arms in anger. "I don't think riding a flying motorbike is very safe."

"I was just saying you might break your knuckles," muttered Sirius.

"And you might break your neck!" shouted Alice. "Sorry, Sirius. It's these damn hormones; I'm beginning to sound like Pippa."

"Who the hell's Pippa?" Sirius asked rudely.

"Pippa is my Mother-in-law," replied Alice.

"Well, she has a very… unique name," commented Sirius. "Is it short for anything?"

"No," replied Alice, "She tried telling everyone that it was short for Penelope, but I've seen her birth certificate!"

**Flashback (only in Alice's mind, though!)**  

"Ouch!" muttered Alice, she had done the stupid mistake again of hitting her head on the ceiling of the eves in Frank's house. It was very dark and dusty in the eves and there was loads of junk in the eves. She brought a torch because she knew that the light bulb had burnt out. She smelt something quite unpleasant and she wrinkled her nose. 

Alice was trying to find a suitcase, which contained a load of photo albums; Mrs Longbottom asked if she and Frank could go get it for her. Her Mother-in-law to be seemed all right but seemed to be a bit bossy but it just had to be first impressions; Frank told Alice that they'd get along brilliantly and she believed him. He also told her that his Mother had already seen her before and he suggested that Alice should put something smart on. 

"Ouch!" Alice repeated she had banged her head on the low ceiling above her again! This time dust landed on her head. Alice growled and tried brushing some of it off clumsily with her hands. 

"Hey, how are you doing in there?" Frank asked warmly. 

"Not very well," Alice answered trying to hide the suppressed anger in her voice.

"I'll come in and help you," offered Frank.

"You were meant to do that anyway," she responded coldly.

"Do you want me to come in or will you just bite my head off. You're not usually like this at all," Frank pointed out.

"I know, I guess I'm just a bit tense with meeting your Mum and all," explained Alice.

"Riiiight," said Frank sarcastically.

"OK, I'm stressed about the wedding, happy?" Alice confessed.

"Very," replied Frank.

"So, are you going to help or what?" Alice asked.

"Or what," Frank answered; a shoe was thrown at him. "Hey!" 

"You come in here right now Frank Joshua Longbottom, or I'll make your life a living hell once I get out of these eves," commanded Alice.

"You sound my Mother," commented Frank.

"Good," responded Alice.

"It won't be good when we have kids," said Frank.

"Who says we're going to have kids?" Alice demanded.

"My Mum will once we're married," replied Frank.

"Your Mother can't control our sex life, Frank," informed Alice.

"Yes, she can," argued Frank.

"Just come in here and help me find this Goddamned suitcase!" bellowed Alice.

Eventually, Frank Alice found the suitcase. It was very dusty and brown and battered. They went down the stairs and gave Mrs Longbottom the leather suitcase. Mrs Longbottom settled the suitcase on the glass table and opened it. "I still don't know why we couldn't have used the 'accio' spell," Alice muttered under her breath. Mrs Longbottom gasped and tried to close the suitcase immediately but what caught Alice's eye immediately was the name part of Mrs Longbottom's birth certificate, it read: _Pippa Crosse_. "I thought you said your name was Penelope?" Alice asked.

"Um," Mrs Longbottom began, (or should it be Pippa?) "Oops." 

**Back to reality (unfortunately)**

****

"Hello…?" said Sirius waving his hands in front of Alice's eyes. "Hello…?"

Alice blinked and spoke, "Oh, sorry, I guess I just wondered off into my own world just there."

"Yes, I guess you did," replied Sirius dryly.

There was a moment of silence to the heavily pregnant woman and the amingus.

"So? Are you going to help me get rid of her or what?" Sirius didn't give her one of his famous grins that… was not a good sign. "Please?"

"Fine," Sirius gave in. Alice did a dance of happiness but was instantly stopped by Sirius. "On one condition."

"What's that?" Alice asked.

"You never do that dance again," Sirius shuddered at the very memory of it.

***

Alice got dressed into a clean pair of black robes and went into Lily's room. Lily was sitting on her bed reading. 

"Hey!" greeted Lily and motioned Alice to sit on the double bed with her. "Come in, come in, I have to talk with you."

Alice's face paled, when they were both at Hogwarts every time they "had a talk" one of them usually ended up crying, it was usually Alice. "OK."

"So?" Lily began closing her book, which looked heavier than a brick. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Didn't you want to talk to me about something?" Alice asked.

"Oh yeah," Lily said. 

"Sorry," Alice replied plainly. 

"What on Earth are you sorry for?" Lily demanded.

"For giving you my habit of forgetting things," Alice responded as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

"Don't be," Lily was used for Alice to be sorry for some things that weren't her and not sorry for things which were her fault. 

About an hour later Lily and Alice were talking like the old friends they used to be, obviously a few months without seeing each other hadn't spoilt their friendship one bit. "Hold on!" they said together, "Wait! Stop!" They burst out laughing.

"So seriously now," started Alice. "Who is going to look after your little kid if you… you know… _die,_" she whispered the last word.

"Why did you say the word "die" as if it was a swear word?" Alice grabbed hold a very scruffy brown teddy bear which appeared to have lost a lot of its fur and stuffing.

"Mr Little Ted does not want to hear of such things," she covered its half-shattered ears with her hands. "I can't believe you still have this!"

"I'm terrible aren't I?" Lily asked pretending to feel ashamed.

"I remember when I came over to your house in the second year summer holidays and Petunia and her friends held it hostage," said Alice. Lily looked as though she was about to burst with anger. "Oh, did I say something wrong?"

"No, but I fooled you!" Lily burst out laughing.

"I hate her," Alice said.

"Hate who?" Lily asked, "I'm allowed to hate Petunia but you're not!"

"I'm talking about my Mother-in-law," informed Alice. "I even asked Sirius to help me get rid of her." 

"And?"

"And he said yes," replied Alice.

_CRASH!_ Something that sounded delicate had just been smashed. Lily looked as though she was about to cry.

***

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

See you guys later.

xMadgirlx


	9. Lady Sir

I am amazed that this fic has got over fifty reviews in only eight chapters.

Thanks to the people who made it possible:

**Puffy Marshmallow:** You are my fiftieth reviewer! You get a get a choice between a cookie and a marshmallow! Thanks for putting me on your favourite authors list!

**queen** **of sprinkelz: **That's a good question! You'll find out the answer soon enough!

                                                                              **Lady Sir**

****

Once upon a time, far away from anyone could ever imagine, a man named Sirius Black was plotting. What? You may ask. He was plotting insane tasks. Well… OK, they weren't insane; they were just a little odd.

****

He cackled an evil cackle, well… it wasn't really evil, it was just bit scary but that's not the point. "And I'll do this and this," he said excitedly like a schoolgirl who had gotten her first crush.

Why was he plotting? The answer was simple: a wife of a friend had a friend who desperately needed his help. Her Mother-in-law was driving her crazy so she asked for his expertise help. So Sirius had now written a huge list full of pranks and how to do them.

He had to have a practice test for one of the pranks but he needed some help. His help was currently sitting on the sofa in the living room hold a cup of tea. Sirius walked very quietly and went in for the kill… ****

****

"Remmie!" screeched Sirius giving him a massive hug. "EEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Sirius screamed he hadn't taken into account that Remus was still holding his cup of tea and because of the force of his hug Remus had accidentally spilt his tea on him.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry Sirius!" Remus apologised.

"My poor chest!" Sirius whined.

"My poor tea! I was looking forward to drinking that!" Remus whined.

"Hey!" Sirius knocked him on the head.

"I was only kidding!" protested Remus. "Why on Earth did you need to hug me anyway?"

"I felt like I, besides I need to talk to you," Sirius sort of explained.

"What about, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"I need help!" 

"Help with what?" Remus questioned as he put his now empty cup in the wooden table.

"A mission," Sirius replied.

"Sirius, you didn't apply for the Muggle army again, did you?" Remus asked sounding very alarmed. 

"Of course not," Sirius replied, "do you think I'm stupid?"

"As the matter of fact, yes," Remus answered.

Sirius pretended to cry, "My own e—"

"Don't you _dare _say what I think you're about to say," Remus growled.

"I wasn't going to!" Sirius pretended to act innocent but that was very hard for him because he hadn't even been innocent when he was born.

"Then what _were_ you going to say then?" Remus asked.

"My own ex—"

"See! You were going to say it!" said Remus in triumph.

"—Extraordinary best friend doesn't think I'm smart!"

"Oh," Remus blushed, "you did know what I meant, right?"

Yes, I did," Sirius replied, "we are OK now aren't we?"

"Y-yes, of course," Remus replied. 

"Let's not dwell on the past, eh," Sirius said happily. 

Remus smiled and said: "So what is this mission of yours?"

"I had a feeling you'd ask that," said Sirius. Then someone screamed and Sirius grinned.

"Who have you killed, Padfoot?" Remus asked impatiently. 

"No one," Sirius replied.

"Suuuure you haven't," Remus said sarcastically.

"All I did was scare Mrs Longbottom," Sirius replied innocently. 

"And suppose you think that's all right?" Remus asked.

Alice came in the room screaming, "Who. Did. This!!!" 

"Did what? I don't see anything," Remus asked.

Alice turned around so her back was facing Remus and Sirius. Sirius burst out laughing; Alice had grown a fuzzy pink long tail. 

Remus tried to stifle his laughs, "It's not that bad, I'm sure we'll be able to remove it."

"Yeah," Sirius gasped for breath in between his laughs. "At least it matches your wings."

"You think that's funny?" Alice asked.

Sirius nodded but he couldn't keep a straight face for long and he burst out laughing again.

"So you'll think it's funny if I turn you into a purple fuzzy rabbit," Alice said.

Sirius didn't stop laughing, "You couldn't catch me."

"No," answered Alice. "But Remus can."

"He wouldn't, he couldn't, could you Moony?" Sirius asked he stopped laughing.

"I could catch you hopping on one leg," Remus answered cockily.

"Wanna bet?" Sirius smirked.

"OK, ready, set, go!" Sirius ran off and wasn't seen again for a very long time. "That's sorts out Sirius for a while."

Alice smiled, "So are you going to help me get rid of my Mother or what?"

"I will once you get rid of that fake tail," Remus folded his arms.

"Fine. Li at fod irt eg." Alice's tail started shrinking and it eventually disappeared.

"Sirius said something about a mission, what is it?" Remus liked to go straight into business.

"Right," Alice began. Remus swore he could hear army music. "Your mission, Remus Lupin. If you chose to except it or not is this: make sure that my Mother is having the worst time of her life and leave the rest to Sirius." 

"Err… ma'am," Remus started. 

"It's lady sir to you," snarled Alice.

"OK… lady sir, what will you and Lily be doing?"

"That is none of your business," Alice snarled. Alice then waddled off and left Remus all alone.

_Knock! Knock!_ Somebody was knocking at the door. Remus went into the kitchen and opened the door.

Remus gasped…

***

DUH! DUH! DUUUUUH!!!!!

Who is it? 

What is it? 

Will I ever update this fic again?  

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	10. The Truth About Pregnant Women

Thank you to all the people who reviewed. I will be starting all my work on my new laptop so it may take longer for you to see it than I would have hoped.

Thanks:

Puffy Marshmallow: And yes, you are correct. 

**Eternity: **Happy New Year to you too!

**Pokemon Trainer Charles: **Here's your chapter!

**Samara-Morgan-101:** You'll find out!

**Kasha:** I have a very… interesting ending planned.

**sora-doragon: **That's OK! Don't hurt me, I am allergic to pain! The symptoms are: twitching, blinking, unpleasant tinkling and if it's really bad then there are tears!

**Funness: **I'm terrible at spelling, please forgive me!

There were two other reviewers (or it could be the same reviewer twice) that I'd like to thank but I don't know their names because it isn't showing up on the review page!

                                      **The Truth About Pregnant Women**

****

It was quite some time until Sirius realised that Remus wasn't chasing him. By that time he had: ran round the garden twenty times; stolen a loaf of bread from the bakers'; changed into Padfoot and stalked an innocent pretty teenager who Sirius had only just found out was a boy; and he had fallen asleep in a dustbin, (you wouldn't want to know how he got in there!) 

But being Padfoot wasn't all that bad; a _real_ woman had come near him and patted and ruffled his fur senseless. _If only she saw me in my human state, _Sirius thought. He had a plan; he would run off and then come back in his human form. "Who's a good a doggy? Yes you are, yes you are," the woman said in her baby voice. He re ran off and went in a discreet area where nobody could see him and he changed into his normal self.

"Hello," he began as he walked up to the woman. She was quite pretty, she was a little short and had very light blonde hair, she was a little plump but she had a very kind and caring face, she wasn't as beautiful as… somebody else Sirius knew but she was still nice.  

****

"Hello," she answered still in that still baby voice.

"I-I see you met my dog," Sirius began.

"Oh, yes!" she interrupted enthusiastically. "He's wonderful! He looks a bit like you… it is a he, right?"

"Oh, of course!" replied Sirius. How dare she even consider that Padfoot was female!

"Well… where's your dog?" she asked. Damn! Sirius forgot about that.

"He's with a friend," he lied.

"What is your friend's name?" she questioned.

"Err… Remus," Sirius lied again.

"Remus sounds like a nice name. What is he like?" this woman was obviously very nosey! 

"Well, he likes to read, he's a bit studious, he's very likable, very fun to be with and…" Sirius cut himself off.

"And what?" she asked.

"Why do you want to know?" Sirius asked. "What's your name?"

The woman opened her mouth and closed it. "Well… I have never been so insulted in all me life! You appear in the streets and you're a complete stranger and you just walk up to me not knowing who I am and I try to be nice to you and try to get to know you and this is how you repay me?!"

"What? You mean asking you your name?" Sirius grinned, this woman was fun to watch when she was angry.

"How dare you!" she tried walking up to him and slapping him on the cheek but she wasn't tall enough. She glared at him. "I'll get you, Sirius Black!" and she stormed off.

That went a lot better than Sirius had hoped, the question remained was: how did she know his name?

***

 Remus had his mouth wide open, "Peter!" he managed to say.

"Hey!" greeted Peter and he smiled. "Where's James? I really need to talk to him."

"He's not here," Remus replied. "He had some work for the Order to do or so I have been told. Me and Sirius have been looking after Lily and Alice."

"Lily?" Peter managed to choke out in fear. "Does she still hate me?"

"No, she hates Sirius—don't worry about that cake accident—I have no idea why she doesn't like Sirius anymore," Remus answered.

"Who said it was an accident?" Peter muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Remus queried.   

"What? Did I say something?" Peter asked. 

"No, of course not, it's just me being silly," Remus assured. "Would you like to come inside or would you like to stand in the doorway all day."

"Oh, of course, I'd better stay for a little while, but I can't stay for long, I've got a date," Peter said proudly.

"Really?" Remus asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well… no, not really, but it's sort of a date, it's rather complicated," Peter explained as he entered the kitchen. "How Alice and Lily? I haven't seen Alice for a long time."

"Things are great… well, they are for nine month pregnant women," Remus answered. "There's the usual: cravings, back aches, leg aches, breathing exercises and…"

"Remus! Could you get another fan in my bedroom, it's boiling in here!" called Lily's voice.

"And that," Remus groaned. "Sirius Black is a bastard."

"But I thought you two had patched…" Remus interrupted Peter.

"No, no, no! It's not that! We sorted that out ages ago! Where have been?" Remus asked imitating Sirius's bark-like laugh.

Peter looked very afraid of Remus. 

"Well… I'd better go get Lily her fan, you stay here until I get back," instructed Remus.

Peter sat down on a chair, which was in front of a white table. Peter rested his hands and elbows on the table and twiddled his thumbs.

"Are you Peter Pettigrew?" barked a bossy and impatient voice. It was Mrs Longbottom.

"Y-yes," Peter stammered. "Are you Alice's Mother-in-law?"

"Yes, unfortunately," she snapped.

"Why?" Peter asked. "What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing's wrong with her, I just don't approve," Mrs Longbottom growled.

"What is there to disapprove of," Peter soon regretted his decision to even come to James's house.

"Come here," she ordered, Peter didn't move. "NOW!"

Peter soon got out of his seat and walked towards Mrs Longbottom. "W-what's this for?"

Mrs Longbottom inspected Peter with her scary grey eyes. Peter looked as though he was examining his soul. "As I expected," said Mrs Longbottom after the soul search.

"What?" Peter asked.

"Aren't we the nosey one?" Mrs Longbottom asked.

"But…" Peter started.

"Don't you but me! You're exactly as I expected you to be. You're just like your sister," barked Mrs Longbottom

"I'm nothing like my sister!" protested Peter. 

"You are!" retorted Mrs Longbottom. "Come closer!"

Peter did as he was told and he gasped. A huge bucket full of water was above Mrs Longbottom's head. "Err, um, Mrs…"

"Don't speak!" ordered Mrs Longbottom. 

"But…" Peter tried to explain.

"But nothing! Did your parents teach you any manners?" She asked. Then she smiled. "How is your sister, anyway?"

Peter was too amazed by Mrs Longbottom's change of mood to even speak.

"I SAID HOW IS YOUR SISTER!" shrieked Mrs Longbottom.

"Oh, fine, she just got a job in teaching, she's really cares about squibs who want to use magic but can't," replied Peter.

"You are very much like your sister. You can be a bit rude to start with but when once you are told of your mistakes you make up for them," Mrs Longbottom said. 

Peter tried his luck. "Then you wouldn't mind me telling you that…"

"There's something I want to tell you, Peter," Mrs Longbottom interrupted. "Come closer, I want to whisper it in your ear."

"Why can't you just tell me?" Peter asked.

"The walls have ears," Peter gave her a very funny look but decided to play along.

While Mrs Longbottom was whispering gibberish is Peter's ear he had no idea that the bucket had finally tipped!

***

Mwhaha! Another cliffie! Please, please, please review!!!!!!!!!!

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	11. Chocolate covered pickles! Yuck!

Another chapter!

**Puffy Marshmallow: ***blushes* Thanks!

**Artless Witch: **That's okay!

**Ca'pn Phoenix:** I was wondering where you disappeared off to!

**sora-doragon: **You'll find out!

**MoonGoddess25: **You'll see why in this chapter or the next!

**queen of sprinklez: **Yeah, it was supposed to be confusing.

**Flying High: **Here's your update!

**Funness: **If you're still confused by the end of this chapter I'll explain everything to you!

**Samara-Morgan-101: **I'm glad you liked that certain part!

Please remember to review again! 

**Chocolate covered pickles?! Yuck!**

Mrs Longbottom was very aware of what was going on above her. She moved out the way just in time and the water spilled on Peter. "AAAHHH!" Peter shrieked.

"Now, now," said Mrs Longbottom. "It's only water."

Remus had appeared at just at the wrong time. "I guess I'll go get a towel from upstairs."  He said seeing Peter looking like a drowned rat. Poor Remus, he had got the telling off of his life.

"REMUS LUPIN!" shouted Mrs Longbottom. "DID YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD GET AWAY THIS SO EASILY?! YOU ALMOST GOT ME WET!!"

                                                                                                                                                                                          __

"Remus!" called Alice. "Could you get me my foot cream?"

"Better go, duty calls," said Remus trying to run away from Alice's mad Mother-in-law as fast as he could.

"Hold on, Remus," Mrs Longbottom said with an evil smile on her face.

Sirius came bursting into the kitchen and then saw Mrs Longbottom. "Oh, I guess I'll leave you… three alone," he said casting a glance at Peter.

"Oh no, Sirius." Mrs Longbottom grinned showing her coffee stained teeth. "You are going to help Remus. I know you were in on this little joke too."

"Joke? What joke?" Sirius tried not to imagine what horrible plans Mrs Longbottom had in store for him. "Remmie, have you played a joke on Alice's lovely Mum without telling me?"

"Don't act innocent, Sirius." Mrs Longbottom took something out of her dark green handbag. "It'll make you help my Daughter-in-law and her friend more."

"What? Lily and Alice don't need help with anything!" protested Sirius.

"They do," muttered Remus.

"What? They're only pregnant women, they can do things for themselves," said Sirius sounding very bewildered.

"Only?!" Peter screeched. "My sister was pregnant once." He shuddered at the very memory of it. "My sister couldn't even walk, she just stayed in bed all day and ate chocolate covered pickles." 

Sirius looked sick at the very thought of it. Remus shook his head, "That's what _I _was giving them last night."

"How come I didn't here any of this?" Sirius demanded.

"You were shouting death threats in your sleep, I decided that you were having a good time while you were asleep so I left you," replied.

"What?" Sirius furrowed his brow.

Remus rolled his eyes. "When you shout death threats in your sleep the next day you say that you have had a really good dream and when chat in your sleep you have had a nightmare and when you are quiet in your sleep you… you… you've never not talked in your sleep, I should know! My bed was next to yours for seven years!"

"It's kind of scary how much Remus knows about your sleeping habits, Sirius," Peter said.

"I think so too," Sirius retorted. 

"Now that we've all had a talk let's get down to business," Mrs Longbottom said.

"What kind of business?" Sirius asked. "What are you making me, Remus and Peter do?"

"Peter will not be joining you two," Mrs Longbottom said. "He was innocent and I feel sorry for using him as an umbrella. I will make sure that he gets paid for what he did. I admire him for not shouting at me, it was quite spineless of me to use him."

"You make sound as though you were using Peter to get back at Mr Longbottom," muttered Remus.

Unfortunately for Remus, Mrs Longbottom's hearing was not that bad yet. "Excuse me!" she shouted. "How dare you! You wretched man!!! I cannot believe that you would say something like that!!!"

"She sounds almost as weird as this lady I met today," murmured Sirius.

Peter's ears pricked up. "Lady?" he asked. "Tell me, did she sound like she was talking in a baby voice and she overreacts if you ask her a quite simple question?"

"Well… yeah. How did you know?" asked Sirius.

"I'll tell you if you give me the full details of this prank you planned to use on Mrs Longbottom," Peter said.

"Fine," said Sirius in defeat. "Ever since Mrs Longbottom came to this house I've been dying to play a prank on her. Remus said that if he got the chance of Mrs Longbottom being alone in a room he'd prank her. Obviously he wouldn't do anything stupid like I would do like giving her wings but Remus would probably do something sensible like levitating a bucket of water above her head and spill it. You must have gotten in the way when he cast the spell and that's why you're wet. Any more questions?" 

"One," answered Peter. "Do you still call Remus: Remmie?"

"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius said. 

"Do you still want to know about the girl?" Sirius nodded. "Okay. The lady you were muttering about isn't really a lady…"

"WHAT?! Oh no! Not another one!" Shouted Sirius. Mrs Longbottom stopped shouting at Remus. (Poor Remus!)

"Is something the matter, Sirius?" She actually sounded like a human with _real_ feelings!

"No, of course not." Sirius gave her one of his famous grins. "I just have to talk to Peter."

"You can talk to Peter while you're doing your punishment," barked Mrs Longbottom.

"But…" Sirius tried to object. 

"But nothing!" Mrs Longbottom gave him an icy stare. "You will look after my daughter and her best friend. You can do this by helping be hygienic so I want you help them with the most difficult part of their bodies to wash now that they are nearly nine months pregnant. Their feet."

***

Remus was the lucky one. He got to wash Lily's feet. Sirius got to wash Alice's feet. Guess who got to wash the girl with fungus on their feet? It was Sirius.

Sirius went into the bathroom where the foot cream was and he eyed a pair of rubber gloves. Sirius knew that Alice had cracked feet so he put them on. He took a large bowl and the foot cream and entered the second guest room. Peter had stayed in the room with Alice and he told Sirius that he would explain the weird woman situation to him while he was cleaning Alice's feet.

"Sirius," began Peter as Sirius winced as he took Alice's socks off. "Do you still want to know?"

"Duh," said Sirius and then he muttered a spell that gave him a nose peg out of thin air.

"Okay. The woman is called Madeline and she should be a called a girl," explained Peter.

"How?" Sirius wrinkled his nose as he saw the fungus on Alice's feet and shouted, "EEEEWWWW!!!! That's disgusting!" It was gross. Sirius did not shout like that for nothing. Alice's were hard and cracked. She definitely had a case of athlete's foot. Her feet were swelled up and it gave her feet a pinkish appearance. Her toenails were brown and cracked.

"It's not that bad," said Alice.

"You ever tried to clean your own feet?" Sirius asked.

Alice nodded.

"That's a surprise!" boomed Sirius while Alice sulked. "How old is this 'girl'?" 

"Twelve," Peter answered.

"WHAT?!" Sirius shouted. "She looked older than I did."

"Potions accident," Peter replied. "It not only made her look older but it also damaged her brain."

"Then why isn't she at school?" Sirius queried.

"You have no sense in time, do you, Padfoot?" Peter gave Sirius no time to answer. "It's July! Of course the kid's not at school! Besides, she gets home schooled." 

Sirius had an idea; he would use magic to wash Alice's gross feet. Mrs Longbottom burst into the room as soon as Sirius had taken his wand out of his pocket. "Ah ha!" she cried jubilantly. "I knew you'd use your wand!"

"I didn't!" protested Sirius.

"Right," said Mrs Longbottom very sarcastically, "then what's that in your hand?"

"I was about to use is my wand but you came in at just at the wrong time!" replied Sirius.

 "It's true!" agreed Peter.

"Fine then," said Mrs Longbottom. "I believe in Peter because he is honest." She shouted a spell that brought Sirius' wand to her. "Now you won't be tempted, will you?" She left the room to torture Remus.

"It's not fair, is it?" Sirius asked.

"What's not fair?" Peter asked. 

"Remus did the prank and I had nothing to do with it!" replied Sirius. 

Peter brushed his hair out of his face. "Shouldn't he apologise? Unless it has anything to do with…"

"I _know_ what you're going to say and it has nothing to do with what happened at Hogwarts!" Sirius shouted.

"What is this all about?" Alice asked.

"Nothing you need to know, Alice." Sirius squeezed the cream onto his covered hand and applied the cream onto Alice's foot. "This is so disgusting." 

***

I am so, so, so sorry for being such a long time. My Mum had to go into hospital and I have been visiting her every night since Tuesday so I've been very busy. I've also had a ton of homework. Damn teachers!!! I know it isn't as good but it'll get better, I promise!!!

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	12. No

Oh God, I have been so busy and I forgot about this fic so sorry if this takes a while.

**Puffy Marshmallow:**  I hate science, also. ARGH! But none of them could be as bad as my Geography teacher. *Shudders* Thanks for the review!

**dweem-angel: **Thanks for telling me that you love it! Please review again!

**toysintheattic7**: I hope you weren't too loud… I'm giving myself WAY too much credit.

**the watcher in the water: **I've already given you a response to what you said.

**Cap'n Phoenix: **That's okay! My Mum is a lot better but I do need to help her a lot, thanks for caring!

**lildaemongurl (queen of sprinkelz):** No, they cannot fly but that doesn't mean that Sirius can't tease them about it! ^_^

**Samara-Morgan-101:** I know, poooor Sirius.

**sora-doragon: **Out of interest what _do_ you think happened between them? I swear, it's just out of pure curiosity!

 **roytyoiuyreiuipyt6rihjfddsyghiuyyeuiuyytulktdkyteuj:** Not long if you copy and paste it like I do! :D

** Raven176: **You'll have to wait and see!

**veld: **Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them.

For those who have commented about my Mum, like I was saying to Cap'n Phoenix, she a lot better but I have to help around the house a lot more than I used to. She can't even bend down in case she dislocates her hip!

**No!**

"Please tell me," Alice pleaded in a baby voice.

"No!" Sirius shouted. "Do you WANT to get your feet washed or not?" Alice nodded. "Then shut up!" Alice screwed her eyes and made her face go red. 

"Sirius is getting irritable." She did a fake cry. "Frank won't be happy."

Sirius swore under his breath and kept rubbing her feet. 

"I think I'd better go now," said Peter running into Lily's room. He heard what sounded like a hair dryer. _Burrrrrrr_. Peter entered and saw Lily having the time of her life. She was laughing like crazy while Remus was brushing her hair.

"W-what is wrong with Lily?" Peter dared to ask.

"A tickling charm," replied Remus with a grin. Lily now had tears running down her face. "Do you give in?"

"Y-yes – _giggle – _please." Remus muttered the counter curse and the burring stopped but the giggling did not. 

"It's not working," said Remus. 

"R-R-Remus, p-please – _giggle_ – t-t-tell me that y-y-you're kidding. _Please?_" 

"I don't know what's wrong, it should be working," said Remus sounding very perplexed. "Hey, where's Peter?"

Peter was nowhere in sight. Remus shrugged his shoulders and examined his wand.

"I t_-t-told_ you that – _giggle_ – the ssssound your w-w-wand – _giggle_ – was making wasn't right!" said Lily with a slight smirk on her face. "But no, you w-w-wouldn't llllisten – _giggle_ – would y-you?"  

Remus raised an eyebrow and said, "Just let it out, Lily. I know you want to laugh."

Lily burst out laughing. "Y-you're a t-t-tease, you kn-kn-know – _giggle_ – that, Llllupin."

Remus raised an eyebrow again. "I really do not know why the counter curse isn't working."

"I-I-I do!" said Lily. "It's y-y-your terrible wand's – _giggle_ – f-fault that I-I can't ssstop lllaughing."

Meanwhile, Mrs. Longbottom was listening in on Remus and Lily's conversation. Although she could only hear snippets she (thought that she) could tell what they were on about. Poor James! Imagine being cheated like that, with one of his best friends too! Mrs. Longbottom couldn't imagine what she'd do if her husband cheated on her with _her _friend.

"Llllet's talk!" cried Lily.

"What do you call this?" Remus asked.

"No, I-I mean let's _really_ talk," she replied.

"About what?" Remus queried.

"Hmm, love," she responded. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"How is _your_ love life?"

"You really beat around the bush, don't you?" Remus said sarcastically.

"But I'm booooooored," whined Lily.

"You sound like Sirius."

"Well, Sirius always comes around our house so I guess I picked it up from Sirius," answered Lily. "That's not the point! Anyway, how _is_ your love life?"

"You haven't giggled or stuttered for ages."

"Shut up!" said Lily. "Quit changing the subject!"

"Oh, I didn't know we were still at Hogwarts."

"Remus!" 

"Fine, fine… I'm bored," he said trying to get away with it.

"You are answering this question if it's the last thing I do!"   

"Okay, okay, don't get irritable!" said Remus. 

_That is familiar._ Thought Mrs. Longbottom, now where had she heard that line before?

"I think I know what you would do if you could change one thing about your love life," said Lily eyeing Remus.

"If you knew then why did you bother to ask me?" Remus growled.

"I was just checking!" defended Lily. "Besides, I might be wrong."  

"I think that you'll be right," said Remus. 

"Okay, is your object of your affections still the person who you went out with in the sixth and seventh year?" Lily asked.

"I'm not sure," replied Remus. "I _think_ it is but…"

"You'd rather eat a book," suggested Lily.

Remus looked shocked at very thought of it. "That's _one_ way of putting it? Why are you so interested in my love life?" he asked sarcastically.

_So they joke about it,_ thought Mrs. Longbottom. Then she heard, "Remus! Just admit it!" So they were arguing about something, maybe James didn't have anything to worry about at all.

"No! Or I'll tickle you with my bare hands!" Maybe not, Mrs. Longbottom wondered if the baby that Lily was carrying was James' or not. 

"Oh no! Oh great master tickler! But I've heard that you're sometimes the tickled!"  

"Whoever gave you that idea?"

"I reliable source!"   

"Riiiiiight."

"Shut up or I'll go into labour!" threatened Lily.

"You can't _make_ yourself go into labour," replied Remus. "Is it me or have you gotten more immature since I last visited you and James?"

"I dunno," she said. "I guess I picked it up from James."

Lily suddenly threw up. "That was nice," joked Remus. 

Lily wiped her mouth and said, "Don't even joke about it, Remus. I hate throwing up."

Remus cleaned the room using a cleaning charm (duh!) and said afterwards, "I'll go see if Sirius needs help with anything, okay? If you need anything then just shout."

Lily grinned and nodded.

***

When Remus had gotten to where Sirius was everyone had gone downstairs to watch TV so he spent half the time just looking for them when he found them Sirius gave the usual routine of giving Remus a giant hug that could rival anyone. Remus hugged back, (but not quite as powerful as Sirius' (*)) and asked where everyone was.

"Why do you have to talk with everyone? What's wrong with meeeeeee?" Sirius whined.

"Nothing is wrong with you," assured Remus. "But I enjoy socialising with other people as well."

Sirius heard the back door open. Peter was gone and Mrs. Longbottom's things had disappeared.

Traitors!

***

I know what you're thinking, I didn't get any of the characters to pranks Mrs. Longbottom… yet. *Grins evilly*

(*) I included this particular sentence for two reasons. One is because I think that Remus and Sirius always greet each other with a hug and like usual in this fic it is usually Sirius who does the hugging. However, it is Remus who hugs Sirius in the Shrieking Shack so Remus is showing that he cares. Do you get what I mean? 

You should know by now where the review button is! Just in case,

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	13. Rat Race

 Sorry guys! I had this plot bunny for a Sirius/Remus fic that wouldn't go away and by the time I wrote it, nobody reviewed it! *****bawls* Life is so cruel, isn't it? So if anyone likes Sirius/Remus slash  then please read mine!  

Anyway, thanks to all the reviewers, I love you all lots and I hope that you review again!

I couldn't reply to all your reviews because when I had a look it said:

FanFiction.Net is currently encountering heavy traffic. Please come back in a few minutes.

But, I do remember one review I really wanted to reply to. The reviewer's name was just a munch of letters and numbers, here is your reply:  I like replying to my reviews, please do not take the mickey out of that. I think that I deserved a proper review instead of something like what you put.  

WARNING: This fic has a very slashy joke I suggest that you scrawl down and find the _real_ beginning.

**Oops!**

He kissed his lips, gently at first but then harder. A moan was hard to suppress; tongues battled as Remus ran his slim, long fingers through Sirius' hair. 

"I love you so much," Sirius murmured into Remus' ear, then he nibbled it. Sirius tried to curl Remus' brown, velvety hair with his index finger and failed miserably. "You're gorgeous, you know that?" he purred into his ear.

Remus giggled and blushed. He pulled Sirius into a loving em—oops! Wrong fic, oh great! *Rolls eyes* Now I have to bump up the rating to a PG-13, damn it! 

**The _real_ beginning**

Just before Remus came downstairs, something… happened. First off, Mrs. Longbottom had the argument of the century that would have not only rivalled the one that Alice and Lily had, but would have beaten it… badly. 

"You old cow!" shouted Alice, her eyes were full with fire and rage.

"I was only trying to help," replied Mrs. Longbottom calmly.

"Help?! You weren't trying to help!" argued Alice.

Mrs. Longbottom stormed out the room and started packing.

You see, Mrs. Longbottom was not happy with this arrangement, not at all.

In fact, she wanted to see her daughter-in-law, and used the baby as an excuse. Pipa was not the type to get very emotional about these things and hardly ever showed any passion or anything on her face that was heavily tattooed with make-up. 

But as soon as Mrs. Longbottom opened her suitcase, she got a very… unexpected surprise. First off, there was her birth certificate right on top of her neatly packed clothes. She cringed and folded the certificate, (very neatly of course!) into her pocket. She turned around for a second and when she turned back round, she got a surprised and almost screamed. Rats were crawling out of her suitcase. Hundreds of them! They were so dirty; their brown and grey fur was very ruffled and probably had fleas practically jumping of it.

Some of them bared their yellow teeth at Mrs. Longbottom when they jumping onto her bed.

Mrs. Longbottom turned very pale and tried to scream but her mouth would not let her. Her throat was frozen with fear. She could not do anything, her wand was in that suitcase, (yes, a very silly thing to do, especially a Dark Lord running around but that's where she left it.) and Alice wasn't speaking to her, so what could she do?

She did another daft thing and looked closer at the suitcase where the rat's nest seemed to be. And one jumped onto her face! The dirtiest, greyest, most fleas infested one of them jumped on her spotlessly clean face. Its wormlike tail was tickling her nose but she dared not to laugh. Her body was stationary body stayed rigid until it crawled up to her hair. That's when she screamed, it fell down her face and its tail entered mouth. She spat it out screamed again.

Needless to say, that she would be washing her mouth for a very, very long time.

That's how Mrs. Longbottom left. Now Peter, he was a different story. 

A small woman with brown curls came to the door. She was okay looking, her lips were a bit too big, and her face… and bum… and everything else for that matter. Except for height, of course, she was very, very small. "Darla!" exclaimed Peter when he opened the door to let her in, "what are you doing here?" 

"I came to find you, silly," she replied. Her large eyes were full of glee.   

"Oh, I'll get my coat and we'll be off," Peter said.

"Is it alright if Madeline comes with us?" Darla asked.

Peter stiffened a second and then smiled. "Of course, why would you ever ask?" 

Darla did not reply and just smiled. 

Peter got everything that he needed and they were off. Madeline was waiting, she was not smiling. "What took you so long?" Madeline whined.

"We didn't take _that_ long," replied Peter. 

When the three of them were half way down the path to get out of Lily and James' front garden, Darla heard a faint scream. "What was that? Did you anything?"

"I didn't hear anything," Peter lied. 

"Lets' _go_," Madeline whined.

Peter waited until the sisters were quite a bit in front of him. He heard another scream and smirked. His work was done.

***

What do you think? I know it's not very long but I've been busy!

Okay, here's a joke that (I think) my Dad made up. All you have to do is use your common sense to answer it. If you don't know then you'll kick yourself when I give you the answer.

Who wrote Schubert's unfinished symphony? 

The answer is in the next chapter! 

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	14. Contractions and consciousness

 *****Bites lip* I've never had a fic that has _ever_ hit over one hundred, is this going to change? You decide. This isn't as funny as the rest, but it's important.

Also, if you see a couple of reviews saying "Oooh, you're a mean reviewer, I hate you!" by a certain someone, then you'll know why I'm not updating – I'm replying to this thicko's reviews. 

Contractions and consciousness 

"Whatarewegoingtodo? Whatarewegoingtodo?" Sirius kept on asking.

"Sirius," Remus began, "we weren't expecting Mrs. Longbottom and Peter to come, so why are you panicking? We're going to pretend that neither of those people came over and tried to help us out."

Sirius completely ignored him. "Whatarewegoingtodo?"    

Remus rolled his eyes and banged his head against the hard wall. Needless to say, it hurt. But it was better than listening to Sirius slur in a panicked voice.

Little did anyone know that tomorrow was the 31st June, not that it meant anything to anyone, of course.  

***

The next day, Lily and Remus were having a chat.

"Remus, I _really_ need to talk to you," said Lily.

"It's not even dawn yet," complained Remus. "What could you possibly want to talk about that couldn't wait until Sirius had started talking in his sleep?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "He always talks after sunrise. You don't share a dorm with anyone for seven years, and not know their sleeping habits."

"I don't know what Alice's are," Lily replied.

"But Alice hardly ever slept in your dorm, did she?" 

"How did you know?"

"I have my ways."

"You know, you make Alice sound like a real tart, talking about her like that."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Shut up, we're not talking about stuff that I want to talk about."

"Yes, Queen Lily, whatever you say, Queen Lily."

"Shut up, Moony."

"Who gave you permission to call me Moony?"

"I didn't give James permission to get me pregnant, but you never see me complaining."

"Moony and babies are very different. Babies are cute, pink… mini versions of their parents. And Moony is just a curse thought up by Sirius' sick, twisted mind."

"You know, before I knew that you were a werewolf, I always thought that your nickname originated from something else."

"Like what?"

"Ever pulled a moony, Remus?"

Remus' eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "Apparently."

"What do you mean 'apparently'? You either did, or you didn't." 

"Sirius said that I have, but I sincerely don't remember."

"Ah, Remus, is there something else you'd like to confess?"

"Like what?"

"Girlfriends. Maybe even drugs." A gasping sound was heard. "Or has our dear Moony got a b-"

"Don't even go there."

"Too late. I've been there, done that, and even gotten a souvenir."

"You're sounding an awful like Sirius."

"I'm _so_ not."

"Must sleep…"

"That was awfully random."

"Must murder Lily…"

"That's it! I don't care what James says. I'm going to keep my wand under my pillow – just in case." 

"Lily, what did you want me to talk to you about?"

"Finally! It's about the baby."

"What about it?"

"There's something that you don't know about it."

"What is it?"  
  


"It's yours."

"**_What?!_**"

"Hello!"

"Who's that?"

"Liandrania Cassandra Bubbles, but you can me Libbie!" There stood a girl with dirty blonde hair. She was about medium height, but was rather plump. There was nothing special about her. "Oh damn it!" There was a huge, silver, blinding light. There now stood a girl with radiant, waist length blonde hair, she had large, attractive, brilliant green eyes. She was quite small, and very slim. Her electric blue—hold on, weren't her eyes green a minute ago? "Hello Remus." Her voice was high, yet pleasant. Lily coughed. "And Lily."    

"Why are you hugging me?"

"Because I wuv you. And we're going to have lots and lots of kids, and I'm going to be a really, really good wife, and we'll have the best relationship ever!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Remus almost screamed when he woke up. It was just a dream, nothing to be afraid of. It's only your imagination. Calm down, Remus. 

But it was one heck of a scary dream! It couldn't even bear thinking about.

"Psst," Lily hissed. "Remus, are you there?"

No answer.

"Remus, I _really_ need to talk to you," said Lily.

"It's not even dawn yet," complained Remus. "What could you possibly want to talk about that couldn't wait until Sirius had started talking in his sleep?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "He always talks after sunrise. You don't share a dorm with anyone for seven years, and not know their sleeping habits."

"I don't know what Alice's are," Lily replied.

"But Alice hardly ever slept in your dorm, did she?" 

"How did you-?"

"Hold on. This is _really_ familiar."

"Is it?" Lily's dazzling green eyes wondered around the ceiling. "There's something I need to tell you. It's about the baby."

"It isn't mine, is it?" Lily nearly died laughing.

"Y-yours?" More laughter. "Ar-are you m-mad?" Even more laughter. "I love James, not you, genius."

"Sorry," apologised Remus, blushing. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"You thought it was yours?" Lily burst out laughing again.

"Shut up. Just tell me what you wanted to tell me." 

"Finally! Th-there's something about the baby."

"What?"

"I think it's going to come… soon."

"You don't mean…?"

"Yes, but it might just be indigestion. Any ideas what I should do?"

"Wait and see then," Remus instructed. "Be sure to keep Sirius or myself informed."

"'Kay," Lily said. There was a pause, Lily nearly shrieked with excitement and hugged Remus. "I can't believe I'm going to have a baby, I can't believe I'm going to be a mother!"

***

Today wasn't brilliant for Alice, not at all. She was about to get a letter that would change her life, forever. A small, scrawny, brown owl hooted and tapped the window. Alice opened the window and took the letter obligingly, smiling. The owl hooted again and rested its tiny head in Alice's wrist. It looked so sad, like the piece of parchment was about to unravel something horrid, and it was true. 

Alice noted the owl's behaviour and smiled. "Silly owl—" She put a hand on her bloated stomach "—there's nothing wrong, what could possibly be a on this _teeny_ piece of parchment?"  She unfolded it and read it out loud to the owl to prove a point.

_"Dear Alice,_

_  How is the baby? I hope you are all right. I love you so much. I'm going to be back tomorrow, when you see the bottom this letter, you will know why. James did not come with me; I haven't seen him at all actually. He just shot off with some friends at the headquarters and I haven't seen him since!—_Alice laughed – typical James – _Alice, when you read this please let me know you have straight away. I love you with all my heart; I don't want you to be hurt in any kind of way -  physical or emotional_ _- I am so sorry I haven't been there for you in the past. I won't let it happen again, I promise I won't let you down.  _

_Your caring husband, _

Frank Longbottom" 

Alice shrugged off her husband fluffiness and the fact that he kept repeating himself. Frank loved letting Alice know that he cared for her deeply in Hogwarts by giving her passionate kisses and giant, warm hugs – not like this! The only other time that Frank had been like this when they had the infamous fallout just before Snape had his… body exposed to the public by James Potter. 

She read the letter, her small smile on her face that kept getting smaller as she read on. It couldn't be, it just couldn't. Her vision was becoming blurred due to the tears. She felt wet in between her legs but was so shocked and upset by what the letter had said, she hadn't even noticed. Tears fell down her now very colourless cheeks. 

"Alice, I know it's lunchtime but we have to go to St. Mungo's, Lily's going to have her baby really…" Sirius trailed off when he saw what a state Alice was in. "Sweet Merlin, what happened? You never cry I've only seen you cry once. What's wrong?" 

 Alice looked up from burying her head in her hands revealing a pair of very red and puffy eyes and she handed the letter to him. "I-it's thi…" She burst into more tears.

"Y-our parents have…?" Sirius asked after reading the letter in disbelief. 

"Yes, they're dead," cried out Alice. 

"And your water has broken," Sirius pointed out, only just noticing. 

"Has it?" Alice asked. She exploded into tears again. "They… they wanted to be there, my parents, they really did, to see the baby being born. B-but now they can't and it's all my fault for not helping with the Order while I've been pregnant."

"It isn't," Sirius assured her. He led the mourning woman downstairs, to Remus Lupin and Lily Potter, who was at any time soon going to give birth to Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived!

***

I think this is quite sad, I have to go for emotional because otherwise this fic wouldn't fit in with the Harry Potter universe. Please review.     


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